


The Worst Star Trek Fanfiction I Can Write

by TomFooleryPrime



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cliche, Don't Read This, Female James T. Kirk, Forced Marriage, Long Lost/Secret Relatives, Love at First Sight, Lust at First Sight, Mary Sue, Multi, Multiple Pairings, Multiple Partners, Musicals, Out of Character, Parody, Tropes, Vampires, Werewolves, You Have Been Warned, bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-07-25 12:18:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7532461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TomFooleryPrime/pseuds/TomFooleryPrime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>See that link up there? Don't click it. Seriously, don't do it to yourself. If you decide not to follow my advice, then follow Spock as he searches for a bride to satisfy a Vulcan marriage law by becoming the next Bachelor. Alternatively titled, "Just How Many Clichés Can I Stuff into Four Chapters?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Forced Marriage

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story is not intended to make fun of any one story or author. It's merely a mashup of every strange or oft-used plot device I've ever encountered in Trek fanfiction. It's all intended in good fun, and I've actually read some really good stories that use one or more of these tropes. I've even been guilty of writing some of them myself. So if you disobeyed my instructions in the summary to steer clear, try to take it for the parody it's intended to be. :)

Spock woke up and noticed Nyota was gone. That was ok. His sex kitten had done amazing work last night. He smiled to himself. Sure, it wasn't very  _Vulcan_  to smile, but he could do whatever he wanted in private. He yawned and rubbed his hands along the chiseled muscles of his bare Vulcan chest.

The computer terminal in the bedroom chimed and he rose to answer it. It was a transmission from his father on New Vulcan.

"Good morning, father," he answered.

"Spock," his father replied.

Sarek was dressed in a sarong and wore a heavy gold chain around his neck and a ball cap at a crooked angle on his head. Sarek had become something of a free spirit since his mother had died, but still maintained his Vulcan sensibilities.  _Mostly_.

"I shall be brief," his father continued. "The Vulcan High Council has just issued a marriage order. All Vulcan citizens are to marry within the next three days to produce children and repopulate our race."

"That seems like very short notice," Spock replied.

"Hey, rules are rules," Sarek shrugged. "I don't make them, I just follow them."

"But you're on the Vulcan High Council. You  _do_  make the rules," Spock argued.

"Oh, right," Sarek agreed. "Anyway, I realize I should use some large and pretentious words so that you remember that I'm the stoic Vulcan you've always called 'father,' but I need to... what is the term? I need to  _bounce_."

"An odd phrase," Spock said.

"That is what Brenda called it."

"Father, who is Brenda?" Spock queried.

"Your new mother. We met last week on Earth at a freestyle rap battle competition and were married the next day. It seems a little sudden, but that's the power of Vulcan bonding for you. We are getting couples tattoos later this afternoon and I do not wish to be late. I urge you to follow my wishes. I shall expect you at home in three days' time to marry. Don't try any of your typical rebellious 'oh, I'm half human, the Vulcan rules don't apply to me' crap. Do you understand?"

"Yes, father," Spock replied, knowing he could never deny the wishes of the Vulcan High Council. Not ever. Nope. Not even a little bit.

"I must bid you farewell, my son. Live long and prosper," Sarek said.

"Yes, peace and long life," Spock replied.

Spock was troubled. Nyota had long pressured him to "make an honest woman" out of her. He supposed it was time. He dressed quickly, admiring his figure in the mirror. He was Adonis made flesh.

He stopped by the mess hall for a quick breakfast before his shift and deliberated the best way to tell his girlfriend that they would have to get married. The law was the law. He sat down across from Sulu, who also appeared deep in thought.

"You seem cheerful," the helmsman mused.

"I was just informed I shall be required to marry within three days to satisfy an arbitrary law the Vulcan High Council just enacted," he explained.

"That's rough. I just found out I'm  _gay_ ," Sulu whined.

"Really?" Spock asked in surprise, forgetting his usual Vulcan demeanor of stoicism.

"Yeah, total shock, right? Turns out I have a husband and daughter and everything," Sulu said.

"Congratulations," Spock replied.

"Yeah, thanks, it's just a lot to take in."

Chekov flopped down in the seat next to Spock. "Have you seen the new girl? The lieutenant?" 

"Yeah, she's perfect," Sulu agreed.

"What is her profession?" Spock asked.

"Everything. Apparently she knows how to run the entire ship by herself and look like a model doing it."

"Fascinating," Spock replied. "Have you spoken with her?"

"No!" Chekov explained, losing himself in thought. "Beauty like hers… one does not dare touch the sun."

"Hey fellas!" Bones called, sitting next to Sulu.

"Good morning, doctor," Spock replied.

"Don't mind me, I'm just here to offer Southern charm and the occasional catch phrase. After all, I'm a doctor, not a serious character."

"Hey boys!" called another voice from behind Spock's shoulder.

They turned to see a gorgeous blonde woman approach the table.

" _Hello_ ," Dr. McCoy whispered under his breath.

"Are you the new lieutenant?" Spock asked.

"You don't recognize me?" she laughed. She snapped her fingers and turned into the familiar, male Captain Kirk.

"I just found out I could do this! Isn't it incredible? Look!" he exclaimed, snapping his fingers and reverting back into a female form.

" _Boobs_ ," she said, waving down to her chest and snapping her fingers. " _No_  boobs!"

"Jim, I don't think that's normal. You should come with me to sick bay," the doctor said.

"Oh come on Bones," Jim Kirk sighed, snapping his fingers to turn back into a woman. "I think I'm going to stay like this for a while. Get in touch with my feminine side."

Spock couldn't explain why, but he was incredibly attracted to the female Captain Kirk.

"How should we call you, ma'am?" Sulu asked.

"I think I'll call myself Jessica," she said, after a short period of contemplation. "Now let's get down to the bridge."

Everyone stood, but Jessica Kirk gently touched Spock's arm. "Can we speak in private?"

"Of course, captain," Spock replied.

He waited for the others to go on ahead and Jessica Kirk gently caressed his pointed ear and said, "I've always been in love with you."

Spock was surprised by the confession, but for reasons he could not explain, grabbed her and pulled her into a sweeping, deep, romantic kiss. When they broke apart, he could feel the fireworks in his chest.

"Captain, I need to tell you that I'm getting married," he announced.

" _You are_?" a familiar voice called from the entryway.

"Yes, my illustrious caramel goddess," Spock answered, using the pet name Nyota preferred. "I shall explain the details later."

When he turned to see her, he saw his beautiful girlfriend was standing next to a dazzlingly beautiful woman with light blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes. She had tanned skin, a toned body, and a smile that could kill.  _Literally_  kill. She was so captivating she made Nyota look like a chubby balding man by comparison.

"Ok," Nyota shrugged, easily accepting his baffling revelation.

"Oh, and the captain is now a woman," Spock explained. 

"Sure, makes sense to me," Nyota smiled. "Oh, and this is the new lieutenant."

"Hi," she grinned. "I'm Lieutenant Aubrey Annabelle Wren Braylynn Morpheus Crystal Harvest Amber Lily Anne Stargazer. My friends call me Jay."

"When did you transfer in?" Jessica Kirk stammered, clearly awestruck by the angelic figure before him,  _er_ , her.

"Just last night. I think you'll find I'm smarter than any other person you've ever known and more beautiful than any creature you've ever beheld, but the second toe on my left foot is slightly longer than my big toe, so obviously I'm not  _perfect_." She flipped her immaculate blonde hair playfully.

"Where are you from?" Spock asked.

"I don't know. I was found abandoned in an escape pod, which makes me mysterious. I never knew my parents, so I'm kind of an orphan, which will make you want to feel sorry for me and get to know me. So I'm damaged, but I'm also tough. And by using a cool nickname like Jay, I think you'll find I'm just relatable enough."

"And what is your skillset?" Spock asked, getting the sensation he was falling in love with the mysterious Aubrey Annabelle Wren... Braelin? Orpheus?...  _Jay_. He was falling in love with Jay. 

"Everything. I can do math in my head faster than the computer, steer a ship through a nebula in my sleep, and speak every language. And look, while we've been talking, I managed to bake this gourmet cake." She pulled a decorative red velvet cake from behind her back and showed it proudly.

" _Really_?" Nyota asked. "All of the Federation languages?"

"No silly, of  _course_  not.  _All_  of the languages. All of the languages ever invented. And even the ones that haven't been invented yet." She flashed a perfect smile that would make any dentist swoon. 

"Oh, and I have a thing for men with pointy ears," she added, biting her lip and looking intensely at Spock.

" _Hey_ , that's my boyfriend," Nyota snapped. 

"Careful  _girly_ , I'm also trained in all of the martial arts. I could kill you five times before you hit the ground with just one pinky. And besides, don't Vulcans fight for their mates?" Jay asked, wrapping her arms around Spock.

"Hey, I love him too," Jessica Kirk whined.

"I've known him longest," Nyota growled.

"Ladies," Spock said, holding his hands up. "I have a problem. I need to get married in the next three days to comply with a bizarre Vulcan law. Vulcan custom does not allow for polygamy, but I love you all. How am I to choose among you?"

"I know!" Nyota exclaimed. "There used to be an old show called the Bachelor. One man would date multiple women, narrow them down, and then in the end, choose only one."

Spock considered her proposition, and looked at the three beautiful women eyeing him nervously. It seemed the most logical solution for solving a four-sided love triangle.

"Doesn't this bother you?" Jessica Kirk asked, crossing her arms and staring at Nyota. "I mean, he is still technically your boyfriend."

"You would think it would bother me, yeah, but for some strange reason, I'm totally cool with it," she shrugged.

"Ok then," Jessica Kirk said. "Count me in."

"That's fine," Jay said with a wry smile.

"Well, who gets the first date?" Jessica Kirk asked.

"Well, there's a Pride and Prejudice costume party in engineering this afternoon," Nyota said. "I think we should  _all_  go on the first date, and then whoever he likes the best, he can take on a one-on-one date tonight."

They all agreed.

"Wait, what is a Pride and Prejudice costume party?" Spock asked.

"Oh, it's where we all dress up and act as characters from the beloved Jane Austen novel for no obvious reason."

"Very well, until then," he agreed.


	2. Crossovers

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a Vulcan in possession of rock hard abs and a sultry face must be in want of a bondmate," Nyota purred, wrapping her arms around Spock's neck. ( _ **Author's note** : I died a little inside, typing this line. May Jane Austen have mercy on my soul._)

"Yes, goddess," Spock replied.

Spock sat at a table in the corner, delicately sipping alazay liqueur. The entire crew of the  _Enterprise_  was jammed into engineering and all were outfitted in the impractical clothing of the Regency period from which Jane Austen hailed. Spock didn't mind the high white collar, but he disliked the abundance of ruffles.

"Now,  _now_ , Lieutenant Uhura, no cheating," Jessica Kirk grinned, sliding into Spock's lap.

"I'm sure there's plenty of room to go around," Jay added, sitting to his right side and jamming her tongue in his ear.

" _You're not sticking to the characters_ ," Scotty groaned. "You're supposed to use words like 'amiable,' and 'countenance' and 'merriment.' How is anyone going to believe you come from an early 19th century English masterpiece otherwise?"

"Oh, right," Nyota frowned. "I say good sir, why are you clothed like a dinosaur?"

"Do not disparage me too harshly," Scotty said, bowing, before quickly adding, "I misunderstood the assignment."

"Shall you take your leave of us, kind gentleman?" Jessica Kirk asked with an awful British accent.

"Wait, are you  _all_  dating Spock?" Scotty scoffed.

"Yep," the three women replied in unison.

"Wait, so  _you_  get three beautiful women, and I go  _no_  women?" Scotty sneered, turning to face Spock.

"The heart wants what it wants," Spock replied, looking lovingly at his harem.

"This is- you're just- that's really-  _fine_ ," he huffed, pulling the dinosaur head from his costume and throwing it on the ground.

"He seems irritated," Jessica Kirk said. "Oh well."

"Captain, who's running the ship if we're all here in engineering?" Nyota asked.

"Oh,  _I_  am," Jay said. "I'm using my mysterious telepathic powers to operate every station on the bridge."

"How  _annoying_ ," Nyota grumbled. "Spock, you need to ditch these chicks. After all, I'm the mother of your son."

"We do not have a child," he replied, unable to conceal the confusion in his voice.

"Yes we _do_ ," she whined.

"How?" he choked. "When did  _that_  happen?"

"Two years ago after an incredible night of passion," she replied with a grin. "His name is Nyock Spohura."

"That is a  _terrible_  name," he jeered.

"Not as bad as Renesmee," she retorted.

"True. But I feel like I would have noticed," he argued. "I mean, we have been together for nearly five years now. We share  _quarters_. Where have you kept a baby?"

She shrugged.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" he insisted.

" _Of course_ , as a fun plot twist to spice up an otherwise sagging storyline, sort of like right now."

"This is a lot to take in," he said, standing up. "I need to be alone for a while, which is also convenient so that everyone can see that sometimes I have a tendency to brood."

"Hey, our  _Pride and Prejudice_  costume party isn't over yet!" Jay whined.

"Yeah, who are you taking on the one-on-one date tonight?" Jessica Kirk asked.

"I had not given it consideration," he admitted, turning to face Jessica Kirk and Jay.

He stared at Jay. The beautiful blonde who had been dressed in a high-waisted antique gown now had dark hair and olive-colored skin and was wearing a flannel shirt, skinny jeans, and black combat boots.

"You look...  _different_ ," he told her.

"I change my appearance often to appeal to a wider demographic," she said with a dismissive shrug. "I also changed my outfit. I wanted to look like I'm outdoorsy and rugged, so you don't think I'm too girly or high-maintenance, but I did my hair and makeup so that you can see I'm still feminine and gentle."

She batted her eyelashes.

"This is  _garbage_ ," Jessica Kirk moaned. "Seriously, how is anyone ever going to compete with her?"

"You're right. No one can compete with me. I mean, I  _did_  win the Olympics," Jay mused.

"Which event?" Jessica Kirk asked, frowning and crossing her arms in a defensive stance.

" _All of them_. And I donated my medals to blind, homeless orphans. It's important for children to think they can achieve their dreams. That's why I adopted a family of twelve and spend all my free time mentoring disadvantaged youth."

"How can you claim to spend  _all_  your free time volunteering if you're here with us now?" Spock asked.

She blinked and gazed at the ceiling, lost in contemplation. "Because true love is just as important as letting a child know they're special."

Everyone sighed, clutching their chests because her words were just  _so true_.

" _Spock_?" Jessica Kirk barked, shaking her head. "She might be  _perfect_ , but we're soul mates. We're  _T'hy'la_."

Spock sighed. His captain  _had_  to go and pull the t'hy'la trump card by reminding him of the ambiguous Vulcan word that could mean 'brother' or 'lover', depending on if the story is a slash story or not.

"Captain, I think I should really take some time to get to know Jay," he told her. "Getting married is a big decision, and not one I want to make impulsively. It is only logical."

"This isn't  _fair_ ," Jessica Kirk pouted.

"All's fair in love and war," Dr. McCoy laughed, overhearing their conversation.

"Yes, thank you doctor, for your pointless and clichéd catchphrase," Spock retorted.

"Bones, tell him he should take me on the one-on-one date tonight instead of  _her_ ," Jessica Kirk whined.

"You're dating  _both_  of them?" the doctor asked, raising his eyebrows.

"And Lieutenant Uhura as well. Speaking of which, where did she go?" They all looked at each other and shrugged.

"Maybe I should get  _my_  ears pointed," he grimaced. "Say, how's Nyock Spohura doing?"

"You knew I had a child?" Spock asked.

" _Yeah_ , who doesn't?" Dr. McCoy laughed.

"I  _literally_  can't even deal right now," Spock said, throwing his hands up in frustration and storming out of engineering.

"When did you stop acting like a grown Vulcan man and start acting like an adolescent  _girl_?" Bones called after him.

Spock walked the ship's corridors in a daze. When he arrived at his quarters and the door slid open, he couldn't quite explain what he was witnessing. There were dozens of people crowded into the room, drinking and playing cards around a large table.

"Who are all of you and what are you doing here? Answer before I call security," he ordered.

"Hey, hey,  _calm down_ , Commander Spock. Can I call you Spock?" asked a suave man with a casual lilt.

"Identify yourself."

"I'm Tony Stark: you may know me better as Iron Man."

" _Who_?" Spock replied.

" _Really_? I starred in three feature films named for me, plus I rocked in two separate Avengers movies  _and_   _Captain America: Civil War_. Not to mention the TV shows and the merchandise…  _really_ , not ringing a bell?" he said, looking slightly hurt.

"Three movies plus multiple spin offs? That seems excessive," Spock replied.

"Coming from a guy with his own TV show,  _six_  movies, three reboots,  _and_  a crossover film with Next Generation?" Tony Stark countered.

"Touché."

"But you seriously don't know who I am? I'm rich? I invent stuff? I have a cool suit?"

"I am sorry, I am still unfamiliar," Spock said.

Tony Stark made a face and laughed to himself.

"Who are all of these other individuals?" Spock pressed.

"Oh,  _uh_ , a lot of these folks I just met today, but let's see… That's Gandalf, Katniss Everdeen, Clark Kent,  _goes by Superman_ , Voldemort, Elsa, Aslan, Jack Sparrow, Darth Vader, Abraham Lincoln…" he paused, snapping his fingers at a girl with short hair.

" _Another_   _Katniss Everdeen_?"

"No, my name is  _Tris_ ," the girl said, rolling her large eyes. "I was in  _Divergent_."

" _Sorry_ , you two are pretty of interchangeable," Tony Stark laughed before continuing. "So, where was I? That's Sherlock Holmes, a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey whose name escapes me, Hannah Montana, a talking cowboy puppet named Woody, and… sorry little purple unicorn, what's your name again?"

" _Rarity_ ," she whinnied. "Friendship is magic."

"It is a pleasure to meet all of you," Spock said, glancing at the motley crew. "I am curious; my quarters do not seem large enough to accommodate you all."

"I believe I can explain," said a smallish man with a British accent. "See, I have a thing called the TARDIS, and it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, you see. Same plot device at work here."

"I see," Spock said, feeling glad for the clarification. "Could someone explain why are you all here?"

"It seems the writer got drunk and confused. We promise not to couch surf for too long. Let us know if we're in the way."

Spock nodded and excused himself, pushing through the crowd to reach his bedroom door.

"If you will all excuse me, I would like to change out of this uncomfortable period costume and back into uniform. I crave a sense of normalcy."

"Yeah, that's totally cool," Tony Stark nodded.

When Spock opened the door, he was greeted by raucous noise and laughter. He closed the door quickly.

"And who are they?" he asked, looking questioningly back at Tony Stark.

"Oh, that's the cast of the 1980s American sitcom  _Cheers_ ," he said. "I forgot they were in there."

"Perhaps I will go and take an early shift on the bridge," he said, pushing his way back through the crowd of people. It was not Vulcan to be impolite. Vulcans were the politest of all people who ever lived.

"Oh,  _right_. Again, sorry to crash your universe. We hope we'll be out of your hair soon," Tony Stark grinned.

Spock returned to the corridor and paused. He reopened the door to his room, hopeful his new roommates would have disappeared, but he was disappointed to discover they remained.

He quickly ran into Chekov, who was singing a song to himself and bobbing his head.

" _I walk this empty street, on the boulevard of broken dreams_ ," the young Russian sang.

"Pardon me?" Spock asked.

"I'm just singing a song I really like, Commander," he said. "It really captures my angst like nothing else could."

"But this story is being told in 2016," Spock said. "If you're going to be anachronistic, at least sing a hit from the right year."

"But Green Day doesn't  _have_  any hits in 2016," Chekov argued. "Besides, if Commander Riker can like jazz from the 20th century despite living in the  _twenty-fourth_ century, why can't I like something that was only a decade ago?"

"True," Spock answered. "But what do you have to be 'angsty' about?"

"I'm in love with Jay, the girl who is in love with you," he said. "I'm sure that will be a plot point later on, so I shouldn't say anything because no one would ever see that coming."

"True, it would be a  _shocking_  twist," Spock agreed.

He noted the time on his giant gold Rolex watch and sighed. Despite saying earlier that he would go to the bridge, it was now time for his date with Jay. And as if by magic, there she was.

"What would you like do to for our date?" he asked.

"I don't know. I was thinking we could get a group together and play spin the bottle, strip poker, or maybe sing karaoke? Your call."

He thought to himself. They all sounded like fun.

"It should be your choice," he replied.

She rubbed her hands together and smiled.


	3. Werewolves and Vampires and Ponies, Oh My!

"Please apprise me of the rules," Spock asked, suppressing a feeling of trepidation.

"So I spin this obsolete soda bottle, and whomever it points to when it stops, I have to kiss that person," Jay smiled.

"Let's play!" Chekov yelled, clasping his hands together.

"Why did you invite Ensign Chekov on our date, along with all of these other people?" Spock asked Jay.

"I'm a friendly person," she shrugged.

He looked around the wide circle, noticing many of his new roommates and a number of crewmen from engineering.

"Hi Tony," he said, waving to the man who called himself Ironman.

He couldn't remember the names of any of the others.

"Is it too late for me to join?" Dr. McCoy asked as he ran up to the group.

"No, of course not! The more, the merrier!" Jay exclaimed.

"Dr. McCoy, you appear to have grown quite…  _hirsute_ ," Spock noted.

"Oh, yeah, I read somewhere that chicks really dig werewolves, so I ran into this guy named Jacob leaving your room, and he hooked me up," the doctor replied simply. "Sure, there are some side effects, but I figure it's worth it."

He ran his fingers over the thick, brown hair on his face and neck.

"Why would you go and do a thing like that?" Scotty hissed from the doorway.

The chief engineer's face was ghostly white, and his eyes were an unusual amber color.

"Wow, you should really get some sun," Dr. McCoy said.

"I'm a vampire, you idiot," he screeched.

"When did that happen?" Spock asked.

"A few minutes ago, when I met this dreamy young man named Edward," Scotty replied. "But now the doctor's gone and ruined it. Everyone knows werewolves can't be friends with vampires!"

"Why not?" Bones asked innocently.

"Wh- why? Why  _not_?" Scotty stammered in disbelief. "You haven't seen Underworld or read Twilight?"

"You kids will find a way to get over it, I'm sure," Jessica Kirk said, pushing past both of them.

"What are  _you_  doing here?" Jay asked scornfully.

"I want to play," she shrugged.

"This is  _our_  date," Jay snarled.

"But you invited fifty other people to play," Jessica Kirk sneered.

"She has a point, you know," Tony Stark said. "None of my business, but I'm just saying."

"Ugh,  _fine_ ," Jay snapped.

They formed into a circle and Jay spun the bottle, and it landed on Jessica Kirk.

"I get a do-over," she said quickly, turning it again.

Jay spun the glass bottle repeatedly, and despite physics and statistical probability, it continued to land on Jessica Kirk. Spock looked to the other side of the circle and saw Voldemort and Gandalf had their wands out and were sniggering under their breath.

"Let's just get this over with," Jessica Kirk sighed, leaning forward to kiss Jay.

"I believe there are members of our group that are not playing fairly," Spock interrupted, looking to Voldemort and Gandalf.

" _Death to Mudbloods_ ," Voldemort said flatly.

"Dude,  _woah_ , we talked about this," Tony Stark interrupted swiftly, before lowering his voice to add, " _Enough with the racial purity stuff. Besides, Spock is half human, half Vulcan_."

" _Oh_ ," Voldemort said, his ghostly white face turning red. "Oh- oh  _no_. I- I had  _no_  idea.  _Ugh_ , I'm so embarrassed."

"Man, we used to be bad guys, what happened to us?" Darth Vader yelled in his mechanical voice.

All of the participants of the outdated, childish party game began to bicker, which quickly evolved into shouting, and then physical violence. Two factions seemed to be forming: one led by Darth Vader, and the other by Abraham Lincoln. Spock grabbed Jay's hand and pulled her into the corridor.

"I love you, and I wish to marry you," he explained.

"Really? That seems kind of sudden," she protested.

" _Now_  it seems sudden?"

They merged into a beautiful kiss, the kind of kiss that deserves ballads, epic poems, and the display of fireworks.

" _Spock_!" a voice shouted from the end of the hallway.

It was his father, Sarek.

"Father, I have found the woman I intend to marry, in accordance with your ridiculous law."

"You can't marry her: she's your  _sister_ ," Sarek replied.

" _What_?!" they both exclaimed in unison.

"She doesn't even look like me," Spock gasped, wiping her saliva from his mouth.

"Yeah, how did  _that_  happen?" Jay said, turning around to vomit on the ground.

"I think it's happened before, in a galaxy far, far away. But for now, I'm going to ignore your completely valid questions, as I would like to introduce you both to your new mother," Sarek said, motioning to someone around the corner.

A heavily pregnant Nyota emerged, holding the hand of a small child.

"You're  _pregnant_?" Spock said in disbelief. "You weren't pregnant when I just saw you three hours ago."

"Yes, and in that time, I traveled to Vulcan, met your father, fell in love, got married, and conceived his child," she explained. "Sucks about your sister."

"How did  _that_  happen?" he asked, raising his voice.

"Pick a trope, any trope," she shrugged. "Time travel, alternate universes,  _mirror_  universes, evil twins… really, you're only limited by your imagination."

"But you were already married," Spock said, looking at Sarek.

"No I wasn't," Sarek argued.

"What about Brenda?"

"Who?"

"The woman you said you married when we talked yesterday. You met at a breakdance competition. You said you were getting couples tattoos."

"It was a rap battle, but no, I never met anyone named Brenda," Sarek insisted.

"What's that on your arm?" Spock said, pointing to the tattoo that clearly said Brenda underneath a single black line.

"A tattoo," Sarek said.

"It says Brenda," Spock argued.

"No it doesn't," Sarek retorted.

They stared at each other for several seconds before Sarek threw his hands up and said, "Oh fine. I shoved her through a plot hole the size of the former USSR. Get over it. Nyota's your new mom."

"Yes, and this is your son, Nyock Spohura," she said, gently urging the little boy forward.

It should have been a poignant moment, meeting his secret firstborn son for the first time, but it was just too weird.

"Of course, now that I'm married to your father, that makes little Nyock not only your son, but your brother. And that will make the son I'm carrying your half-brother, who will also be half brother  _and_  uncle to Nyock."

"That's funny," Jay grinned.

"But if I cannot marry Nyota, and Jay is my sister, that means I'm only left with-"

"That's right,  _loverboy_ ," Jessica Kirk said, bursting through the door triumphantly. "You have to marry me, and you don't get a choice!"

As the door flung open behind her, a slew of violence also poured out. Spock only narrowly ducked an arrow fired by Katniss Everdeen, and Keenser was wildly swinging an oversized sword from the back of the purple unicorn called Rarity. He was quickly devoured by Aslan, who screamed, " _For Narnia_!"

"Looks like we're going to have to throw down," Sarek mused, donning a set of brass knuckles and pulling a lead pipe from his cloak.

"Yes," Spock replied, wondering how things had managed to get out of hand so quickly.


	4. I'm Too Lazy to Write a Title

"Stop!" cried a bald man with a regal British accent.

The angry mob decided to play it cool, and turned to listen to him speak. The group now magically included Daryl Dixon, Jamie Lannister, Malcolm Reynolds, The Cigarette Smoking Man, Percy Jackson, Rupert Giles, the Pink Power Ranger, Jack O'Neill, Spencer Reid, the skinny dragon? from _How to Train Your Dragon_ , Satine from Moulin Rouge (before the tuberculosis), and Neo, from the _Matrix_ because several reviewers were kind enough to point out that representation from a number of popular fandoms was woefully lacking. No anime was included, unfortunately, because that is a subject on which the author is terribly uneducated.

 _Anyway_ …

"I have come to join your noble effort," the bald man proclaimed.

"Who are you?" Spock asked.

"I'm Captain _Picard_ ," he sputtered.

" _Who_?" everyone asked in unison.

"Wha- _what_?" he exclaimed. "Captain Picard, commander of the _Enterprise-D_ , widely regarded as the best captain in any Star Trek series?"

" _Woah_ , dude," Jessica Kirk sighed. "I'm _right here_."

" _Yeah_ ," Tony Stark added. "Are you _trying_ to start a fight?"

"It rather seemed as though you were on the brink of a fight anyway," Captain Picard retorted.

"True," Tony Stark agreed. " _True_."

"I have come to offer my services," Picard stated.

"Uh, _well_ , it's getting kind of crowded," Abraham Lincoln winced.

"You're going to have a Star Trek cross-fandom gang war and not invite _me_?" Picard seethed. " _Fine_."

He snapped his fingers and turned into Locutus of Borg, exclaiming, "Then I shall fight for the Dark Side."

He tried to walk over to the villain camp, but Darth Vader stopped him.

"Actually, we're kind of full up over here too," Lord Vader said sheepishly, looking around at his army. "I mean, maybe next time? I totally dig your costume, by the way. I'm into mechanical body mods also."

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Picard cried.

"Well, I mean, we're going for diversity, and we already have a lot of Star Trek characters," Tony Stark tried to explain sensitively. "Look, there's Spock, Sarek, Chekov, Uhura, Kirk with boobs, a very hairy Bones, and a very, _very_ pale Scotty. We just want it to be fair, _you know_?"

" _This is a Star Trek fan fiction_!" Picard howled. "None of you should even be here!"

"Yeah, and _you_ were from Next Generation. This is fan fiction based on the alternate timeline films," Tony Stark said awkwardly. "So really, you don't belong here either."

"Wait, _what_?" Clark Kent exclaimed. "I thought this was based on the _Original Series_."

"Yeah, so did _I_!" Sherlock Holmes agreed indignantly.

"It's practically the same thing," Tony Stark shrugged. "It's all fan fiction. Just use your imagination."

"You did _not_ just say that. He did _not_ just say that," Clark Kent said icily. "I am done. I am _so_ done. I really, _really_ liked this story, but knowing that it's the wrong actor playing Spock, I literally just _can't_. Deuces."

" _Really_?" Tony Stark scoffed. " _I'm_ from Marvel and _you're_ from DC, but you don't see _me_ throwing a hissy fit!"

Superman kept walking and raised both middle fingers in the air in silent defiance, and half of the combatants joined him.

"You're telling me you didn't notice the category this story was posted in? _It's called being observant_!" Tony Stark called after him. " _Eh_ , his loss. Anyway, looks like we've got some openings, Captain Picard."

"I don't want to play second string to some man who walks around in a leotard," Picard sniffed.

"Are we done? 'Cause I wanna bust his kneecaps," Sarek interrupted, pointing at Jack Sparrow.

"We're, _uh_ , on the same team, mate," Jack Sparrow sneered, doing that weird thing with his hands that makes people think he's lovable and quirky.

"Fine, _him_ then," Sarek said, pointing his lead pipe at the Doctor.

"What did _I_ do?" the Time Lord asked.

"You change your look every few years, and I'm threatened by that," Sarek admitted.

"Well, that doesn't seem very _Vulcan_ ," the Doctor said. "And neither does this street brawler getup."

"Hey, I didn't choose this thug life," Sarek shrugged. "It chose me."

"If I may," Elsa interrupted, holding up her finger, "I think I have the solution to all this violence."

Everyone turned to look at her skeptically.

She cleared her throat, did a few vocal warm-ups, and began, " _Let it go… let it go… Can't hold it back anymore…"_

"Yeah, that's really lame," Jay interrupted. "Why are you randomly singing?"

" _Everyone_ loves musicals. Glee? Annie? Pitch Perfect? West Side Story? High School _Musical_? Isn't that how people solve their problems?" Elsa asked innocently. "By driving the story along with trite lyrics set to a catchy tune that gets stuck in your head and makes you want to put a screwdriver in your ear just to make it stop?"

" _No_ ," Sarek replied, crossing his arms. "That isn't real life."

"Well, I've also heard of people, 'taking to the streets,'" Elsa mused. "Maybe we could solve our problems with a dance battle?"

"I'm ninety-eight years old," Sarek groaned. "My joints aren't what they used to be. Really, I just want to crack a few skulls together. Keeping my feelings inside really sucks and I could really use the cathartic release."

"I know _all_ about that," she said tenderly, stroking his arm. "After all, ' _conceal_ , don't feel.'"

"I _know_!" Sarek exclaimed. "What is that about?"

"Are you hitting on my husband?" Nyota sneered.

She was now holding a cheerful six-month old baby and looking between Elsa and Sarek.

"When did you give birth?" Sarek asked, pointing to the baby.

"Sometime in the middle of your last sentence," she said. "I didn't want to bore you with the tedious details about contractions and afterbirth. I figured I'd just skip ahead to the part where my body bounced back to looking like a supermodel's and we ended up with a baby with perfectly pinchable cheeks. I named him Chad."

"Look, are we gonna do this or not?" Darth Vader sighed, looking at his watch. "I have to be in a galaxy far, far away in like, thirty minutes. I can't get another speeding ticket."

"I think accents are sexy," Jay said, wrapping her arm around Darth Vader's.

"You're hooking up with _him_?" Sarek frowned.

"I know I just found out you're my father, but I have daddy issues," she smirked.

"Fair enough," Sarek said, punching Darth Vader squarely in the… mouth? Respirator? _Grill_?

Carnage ensued, and when the bloodbath was over, everyone went to sickbay to lick their wounds, and all the crossover characters returned to their own universes. The lines for medical wrapped around the ship.

Bones was unfortunately indisposed in the form of a wolf. That didn't make a whole lot of sense, because theoretically werewolves assume the shape of a wolf during the full moon, and given they were on a star ship dozens of light years away from Earth's lone satellite, one might think that somehow he would be spared from the effects of lycanthropy. But _nope_.

Bones sat in the first biobed licking himself and despite the fact that _Enterprise_ had a full complement of medical staff, no one ever actually _did_ medical things besides Bones. Every major surgery, every hangnail, every physical… Bones did it _all_. So everyone was forced to wait until the full moon was over for treatment.

The bridge crew sat wearily on the floor waiting to be treated. Scotty was currently a bat and was roosting comfortably on a nearby air duct, and Jessica Kirk had turned back into a man. Jay had run off with Darth Vader in order to establish an _insane_ fan theory for Rey's heritage.

Sarek divorced Nyota to hook up with Elsa, and they had a whirlwind romance based on singing and repressing their feelings. They're currently working on an off-Broadway production of _Grease_.

Sarek's divorce from Nyota transformed her into a confident, plucky single mother of two with a can-do attitude who would go on to struggle to work her way through college waiting tables at a diner where Spock often ate, even though they were already decorated Starfleet officers and he actually fathered one of her children. It was a beautiful love story. Might have been an alternate universe?

So she and Spock got back together, which made things even more confusing, because Spock's brother Chad was now also his son, and their son Nyock Spohura was Chad's brother but also his nephew. Or something.

So they sat around in sickbay, wondering why they were even on a starship if they had transwarp capability and could just transport around the quadrant at will. They contemplated the nature of their fictional existence, and how it made them slaves to the imagination, and just how depressing that really was.

"Wait, it sounds like the author is wrapping this up," Scotty mentioned. "Does this mean we're done with this little charade?"

"It seems that way," Spock replied.

"But we still have _so_ much more to do," Scotty insisted. "We haven't even touched on slash fic, amnesia, male pregnancy, age regression, or any of the _really_ depraved stuff like-"

"Mr. Scott, I am _very_ tired," Nyota interrupted. "I just broke up with my boyfriend, got married to his father, gave birth, got divorced, and got back together with my ex in the span of twenty-four hours. I feel _used_ , my feet hurt, and frankly, I want an aspirin. The thought of being forced to become a potty-mouthed, furry, lesbian dominatrix who impregnates her male sex slaves is just too much to take right now."

"But we haven't even talked about how we all knew each other as children, or how we all went to high school together, or how-"

"Let it go, Mr. Scott," Kirk muttered. "We've been down those roads enough times. By the way, just like Bones is the only person who actually does any medical stuff, you're the only person who actually _works_ in engineering. Who's taking care of the warp core?"

Before Scotty had the chance to tell Kirk to stop riding his ass and point out that no one was on the bridge, they crashed into a nearby star and the ship exploded.

Spock woke up suddenly. He looked down and saw Nyota sleeping soundly next to him.

_It had all been a dream._

Vulcans rarely had such vivid nightmares, and Spock immediately felt the urge to meditate. He rose quietly from the bed and made his way to the bathroom.

He opened the door to see Gandalf urinating into the toilet, who yelled in surprise and said, " _Hey_! Do you _mind_?"

He slammed the door shut and sank to his knees in despair.

It would never be over. _Nope. Not even a little bit._


End file.
